Sunday, July 18, 2010

Shower 101...

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

Power of Prayer.

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Kaiza got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Kaiza, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Kaiza replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in E. Kaiza's ear, placed his other hand on top of Kaiza's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a 'blue streak' for Kaiza, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Kaiza, how is your hearing now?"

Edwin answered, "Well, I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Life can be summarized in 4 bottles....

Mambo ya kawaida jamani...

Kama unaona kuwa kuna kitu kinakufurahisha humu kwenye blog yangu basi hakuna noma kama ukiniangushia sifa mwanangu mwenyewe.....
Washkaji Mungu akipenda tutaonana basi.........ila kumbuka kuwa Mungu ni mmoja na siku zote anafanya maajabu kwahiyo si mbaya kama tukimshuru kwa kila nia.....
Mungu awabariki watu wote wa Dunia hii.Amen!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2
 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 

3
 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

4
 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?   cause I amGonna Kick their asses! 

5
 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

6
 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 


7.
 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8
 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?




9
 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? 

 

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse...

If you are having a bad day,  remember it could be worse...