YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO STAY DUMB.: Jun 18, 2009

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Terrorist Proof Airlines

WELCOME TO TPA

(Terrorist-Proof Airlines)

We at TPA, Terrorist-Proof Airlines, are in the flying business !

We can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons will ever be carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !

Book your next flight with TPA, the safest airline in the industry.

AND, If a Muslim sees a naked woman he is obliged to commit suicide - so please forward !

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

HOUSEWIFE OF THE YEAR NOMINEE! OMGGG!!!!

SO GROSS - HOW COULD ANYONE LIVE LIKE THIS??

Remember when you last said to a visitor “sorry about the mess, I haven't done my cleaning yet today!”

- well, you'll never say it again after seeing this!!!

OMG – this is absolutely gross….where did she sit or sleep for that matter???

By the looks of the stained couch cushions, my guess is that she didn't move

Very far from here...

This is an actual apartment....found in Houston after the

Evacuation for the hurricane.

This is NOT hurricane damage....

The apartment was found this way prior to the hurricane..
Hard to believe there wasn't a fire with all the cigarettes.

Did this woman ever hear of an ashtray?

Nope..... Empty soda cups will do thanks!!!

Oh My Goodness!!

All the Febreeze and Clorox in the world...
Is not going to help this mess!

NOOOOOOOOO not the Computer!!!!

Notice the small 'butt free' area around the bottom of the mouse where her hand rubbed the mouse pad and what keys on the keyboard that where used...

OK......... Here come the Gross Parts !!!!!!

I am sure She had intentions of cleaning.......
But, probably put it off till tomorrow~

I don't want to even think what that pile on the sink is...

So, after looking at this...... It is safe to say that

Your house is not so bad afterall.....

Just When You Thought You Were Having An Ugly Day!!!!

Mathematical Logic

Here is a little something someone sent me that is
indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me think.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND , look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude
will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that
will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL
TO SHOOT THEM'

Think before you speak...

Think before you speak...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
Said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
The door closed behind me,
Were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
In between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
And she was clean..
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him20if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
And I don't have any clean clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
'Danny, did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
The day after it was suppo sed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Parking lot fun.

sweet

AWESOME TREE IN SOUTHERN AFRICA !!

Looks normal from a distance.....well, kinda stubby!

But,...look at 'this' as you get closer!!!!!! More ---Scroll down....

Wow! Whatever you can imagine....some artist can carve.....

Here's some close-up pics....

It amazes me how someone can actually carve and sculpt like this and not kill (girdle) the tree!!!!!

A Mother's Love (Touching) lol

This is so beautiful.....

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Cabela's

Cabela's...

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you just tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? cause I amGonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What
part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

I do believe the man that wrote this knows his shit

This is all you need to know !!! 95 % of females can't cum from sex UNLESS, they're on top..and they're on top why? so they can stimulate their clit..by doin' their lil snake charm grindin' grab on our pelvic bones..which..really does nothin' for them..so the key is..eat pussy first..make her cum a few times...numb her up..then hammer away or soft and slow with alot of vaginal teasing with your magic stick to build it all up in the end, however u like...... now once ur inbetween her legs..don't just fuckin' dive in there like a bum at a thanksgiving charity dinner...take your fuckin'time I know pussy is nearly irresistable...but don't act like it is.. lick her inner thighs, kiss them..kiss around her pussy lips..kiss the lips etc. etc..finally once u've got your tongue on her clit..this is what u do..(u can use ur hands to spread her lips here if u want..that's all preference...it's easier to make em cum w/their lips spread..so u have easier access to their clit) now...roll the tip and somewhat flat part of your tongue around the clit in a circular motion...slowly... DONT STOP...the KEY is to hold your rhythm...listen to homegirls breathin'..use this as feedback..and react w/your tongue accordingly..you want her breathin' to be steady...at a steady pace..kinda like a clock...tick tock tick tock tick tock...it sounds lame but she should be breathin' on beat...no. not MOANING..breathing ...listen to her breathin'...listen to the moans when ur on the phone or somethin' ...now the key is...DONT STOP (I emphasize this, cuz it's important...if u STOP GO STOP GO haphazard like, you're not gonna get anywhere)...DONT STOP..even if it's to pick a hair outta ur mouth...just hold your rhythm..circle her clit...increase speed gradually...once u've got the speed up a bit...and her breathin' is tellin' u on target..use more of the tip of ur tongue...and move it less...but at a slightly faster pace...basically work ur way into..flickin' it back n forth like a punching bag..it's hard to explain..but it's kinda like vibratin' your tongue..not swayin' it back n forth like a wreckin' ball..slappin' her clit as you swoosh by..if u can keep this up for atleast 60 seconds...she'll cum.. if she's stubborn and won't bust..get a finger or two up inside her..hook ur finger(s)..and kinda "scratch""scrape""tickle""massage" her Gspot..which feels like a lil sponge..it's on the "ceiling" of her pussy..inside..and up top.. about an inch in.. consider your fingers holdin' the harmony..while your tongue works the melody...and she'll bust before u know it.. good..you've succeded..now the worst thing u can do now..is STOP..keep fuckin' goin..this is the good part..if u ignore her pants, rants, and gestures for u to stop..and keep goin' like she hasn't busted..(she'll initially want u to stop cuz she's all madd sensitive at the moment)..after 10-15 seconds, the sensitivity for her will fade..and about a minute later..yes A MINUTE..she'll bust again..so do it again and again and again until she declares you the winner....the only way to know you did a good job is by getting served seconds thirds fourths and fifths

THE TRUTH ABOUT DRINK DRIVING.

I read this in the paper,
And it really made me think;
That a quarter of all road accidents
Can be blamed... directly... on drink.

Now statistics, they tell you, will never lie,
But be wary of how they're used;
You need your wits about you,
It's easy to get confused.

If a quarter of accidents are had by drunks,
Then sober people have all the rest;
That's 75% if I'm not mistaken,
... (My maths never were the best).

But I'm not entirely stupid,
And I plan to stay alive;
So I'm gonna start driving drunk,
I'm three times more likely to survive.

wisdom!!!!

MARRIED FOR 47 YEARS

AFTER BEING
MARRIED FOR 47 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 47 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON
A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO
SLEEP EVERY NIG HT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE
A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, A NICE BIG BED AND A PLASMA
SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A
VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD
GAL, AND S HE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A
CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND
WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN
GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE
PROBLEMS.

LIFE IS BASED ON LOVE.

When I was young I did not know the meaning of life.
Eventhough I have not yet grown,
I’ve come to realize what life is based on.

To live, one needs love,
For love can conquer saddness and create happiness.
Love brought every one of us into the world,
And yet it can take this world away.

To live, one needs a giving heart,
To be able to forgive a person is an offspring of love.
Without forgivness each of us will be forgotten.

To live, one needs a clear and patient mind,
For a clear mind creates love,
And endures the magic and passion of life.

To live, one needs to have a pure heart,
One capable of loving and being loved.
This will fix broken relationships and create many others.

Each one of us have the ability to love.
For this is what life is dased on,
Cause without love our lives will end sooner and unexpectedly.

Some old, some new......

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Don't know......it never happened)

(Come on guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face

and laughter in your heart...

Then you are just an old sour fart!

Rules for a Gay wedding

1. On the day of the wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.

2. Superstition suggests that for good luck, the couple should have: something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.

3. It's customary at gay & lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony.

4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake, given the high content of carbs and sugar.

5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.

6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles and hand-held lasers.

7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.

8. The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer.

9. The wedding singer is NOT allowed to play or sing: 'Let's Hear it for the Boy,' 'It's Raining Men,' or 'I Will Survive.'

10. The father of the bottom has to pay for everything.

And a comment made was :
You may kiss the WHAT?
Shut your mouth!

What Love means to a 4-8 year old

Slow down for three minutes to read this! It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?' The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.'
Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.'
Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'
Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'
Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.'
Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'
Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss'.
Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.'
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.'
Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'
Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'
Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.'
Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'
Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'
Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'
Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'
Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image).
Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.'
Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.'
Jessica - age 8

And the final one

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
'Nothing, I just helped him cry'.

THESE ARE HILARIOUS!!!!!

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

  Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Little red riding hood

Getting Older

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Foughtprostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week '

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'Nopeer pressure.'

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

BATTER UP!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor. When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there is women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it is at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is i t?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is short...

This is SO TRUE

MOTHERS

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother...

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom' s opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change!
The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, theheartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL ALLEGED TO BE TRUE STORIES

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined
in a hospital. Durin g the examination,
        an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found
under one of her breasts and a remote control
        was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....

        PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER
with lacerations to his penis. ; ; He
        complained that his wife had '...a rat in her privates...'which
bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I
        would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his
wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical
        needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

        PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER
with a stony mass in his rectum.
        He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with
concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea
        of pouring the! mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the
same, I'm sure!)?!!.&nbs p; The concrete then hardened,
        (no shit Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under
general anesthesia, a perfect concrete e cast of
        the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy
- we live sheltered lives!)

        BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
complaining of severe pain while trying
        to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
halfway, but they always popped back in. A
         nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered
        the ma n did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been
trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
        (Oh my gosh!!!)

        OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington
State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands
around his abdomen and the woman had hers
        around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic
        dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table
to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or
        what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which
caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and
        wrench it f rom side to side. In agony and desperation, the man
grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
        until she let go.   -----------------------------------

          And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still
laughing!!!!

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ! 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO STAY DUMB.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

When Grandma Goes to Court