Thursday, December 4, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICIES EFFECTIVE November 1, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing 
Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 


Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.




Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break: 

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 
15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere. 

 

 

 

 

An article from www.kansas.com


Posted on Saturday, Oct. 18, 2008

Police arrest Mich. man for car wash vacuum sex

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after 'receiving sexual favors from a vacuum' at a car wash. The Saginaw News reports the 29-year-old Swan Creek Township man was arrested Thursday in Saginaw County's Thomas Township, about 90 miles northwest of Detroit. Police Sgt. Gary Breidinger says a resident called to report suspicious activity at the car wash about 6:45 a.m. An officer approached on foot and caught the man in the act.

Things Got Ya Down?

 

 

Well Then, Consider These . . .

.............................. 
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the  same bed,on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , Regardless of their medical condition. 
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. 
No one could solve The mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to Investigate the cause of the incidents. 
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. ,All of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside 
The ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon Was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer Books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part- Time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life Support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day??


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively Saved animals were being released back into the wild 
Amid cheers and applause from onlookers. 
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day??


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen Shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, 
With some kind of wire running from his waist towards The electric kettle. 
Intending to jolt him away from The deadly current, she whacked him with a handy Plank of wood, 
breaking his arm in two places. 
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening 
To his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?


Two animal rights defenders were protesting The cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse In Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs Broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, Stampeding madly. 
 
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?

STILL having a Bad Day??


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage On a letter bomb. 
It came back with 'Return to Sender' Stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was Blown to bits. 
God is Good!


There now, Feeling Better?

 

 

Mambo ya kawaida jamani...

Kama unaona kuwa kuna kitu kinakufurahisha humu kwenye blog yangu basi hakuna noma kama ukiniangushia sifa mwanangu mwenyewe.....
Washkaji Mungu akipenda tutaonana basi.........ila kumbuka kuwa Mungu ni mmoja na siku zote anafanya maajabu kwahiyo si mbaya kama tukimshuru kwa kila nia.....
Mungu awabariki watu wote wa Dunia hii.Amen!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2
 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 

3
 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 

4
 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?   cause I amGonna Kick their asses! 

5
 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 

6
 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 


7.
 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8
 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?




9
 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? 

 

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse...

If you are having a bad day,  remember it could be worse...