Ni kweli kabisa hii...

Kwa habari ambazo nimezipata kutoka kwa mpiga 'KAMBA' maarufu hapa nchini Mhe. Mdakuzi Andrew Mki%$#@#a ni kwamba yule Pweza aliyekuwa maarufu sana kwenye utabiri wa kombe la Kikapu kule South Africa, ameweza kutabiri tena kuwa Chama cha Republican kitachukua ushindi kwa mara ya kwanza mfululizo... Kwa habari kamili basi wewe fuatilia habari zetu saa saba usiku kwenye Channel ya Al-Jazeerah! Thanks.

Computer Engineer Huyu!

Kijana huyu jina tunalo kapuni ni graduate student wa pale WS" you" aliamua kuchukua karatasi lake baada ya kuona kuwa anakosa kazi kwa kisingio cha kuwa haruhusiwi kunanii hapa US! Jamani basi tuwe tunaangalia tunaangukia wapi kwani hapa hii ni braaa...Just in case kuna kajiugomvi hapo home...Hivi huyu mdau atatoka kaoza au kafariki? Ananikumbusha sana na mwala wa pale 21st na Woodlawn!

Mambo ya South Seneca haya mwanangu!

Yaani hapa ng'ombe anachemsha hata akiwa na njaa ya namna gani kwani mdada anaonekana ameshiba kwa kwenda mbele. Ananikumbusha sana demu mmoja wa Ki"keroro" ambaye anaishi hapa Wichita, kwa habari kamili basi wewe ni buzz tu na nitakutupia nyeti zote.

Shower 101...

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.

Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

Power of Prayer.

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Kaiza got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Kaiza, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Kaiza replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in E. Kaiza's ear, placed his other hand on top of Kaiza's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a 'blue streak' for Kaiza, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Kaiza, how is your hearing now?"

Edwin answered, "Well, I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

Life can be summarized in 4 bottles....

Amuosha Mwanae Kwenye Mashine ya Kufulia Nguo.

Mwanamke mmoja nchini Japan amewashtua watu wengi nchini humo baada ya kukiri kuwa alikuwa akimuosha mtoto wake wa kike wa miaka mitano kwenye mashine ya kufulia nguo ili kumfundisha adabu.

Junko Egashira mwenye umri wa miaka 34 aliwaambia polisi wa magharibi mwa Fukuoka nchini Japan kuwa mara kadhaa alikuwa akimweka mtoto wake wa kike mwenye umri wa miaka mitano kwenye mashine ya kufulia nguo na kisha aliiwasha mashine hiyo. Mwanamke huyo alisema kuwa alikuwa akifanya hivyo ili kumtia adabu mtoto huyo anapoleta utundu. Junko aliwaambia polisi kuwa alikuwa akiifunga pamoja mikono na miguu ya mtoto wake na kuuziba mdomo wake kwa kutumia gundi ya platiki na kisha kumweka ndani ya mashine ya kufulia nguo na kuiwasha mashine hiyo kwa dakika kadhaa. Katika mojawapo ya mateso ambayo Junko alikuwa akimfanyia binti yake ni kuifunga mikono yake kwa kamba na kisha kumweka mtoto huyo ndani ya ndoo iliyojaa maji. Mtoto huyo alifariki dunia juni 27 baada ya mama yake kumfunga kamba shingoni na kisha kumning'iniza ukutani. "Nilimfunga kamba shingoni na nilimning'iniza ukutani baadae nilimkuta amefariki, sikufikiria kama angefariki", Junka aliwaambia polisi. Junka alianza kuishi na binti yake huyo miaka miwili iliyopita baada ya kutengana na mumewe. Junka anakabiliwa na mashtaka ya mauaji.

HARUSI YA AIBU...

Na Waandishi Wetu
Miongoni mwa matukio ya aibu yaliyowahi kujiri kwa mwaka 2010, ni hili la ndoa kati ya kijana aliyefahamika kwa jina la Suleiman Salum Mazinge na Pili Saidi, wakazi wa Mwananyamala, Dar es Salaam iliyotarajiwa kufungwa Julai 9, mwaka huu iliyoeyeyuka dakika za mwisho, Amani lina ‘A-Z’ ya tukio zima.

Taarifa za awali zilizotufikia kutoka kwa chanzo chetu makini zilidai kwamba, ndoa hiyo iliyokuwa imetawaliwa na maandalizi ‘babkubwa’ ilitarajiwa kufungwa katika Msikiti wa Mwananyamala ‘B’, lakini cha ajabu muda mfupi kabla ya mashehe kutia ubani, mambo yaliharibika baada ya zoezi la wawili hao kupima afya zao kushindikana.

Ilielezwa kuwa, Pili na Suleimani wamekuwa wapenzi kwa muda mrefu na kufuatia penzi lao kunoga, waliamua kuchukua hatua za kuoana ambapo taratibu za kufanya hivyo zilianza mara moja.

“Mazinge akatuma mshenga aliyefahamika kwa jina la Mzee Mfundo ambaye ni babu yake lakini pia mjumbe wa nyumba kumi na baada ya siku chache upande wa msichana uliridhia binti yao kuolewa,” kilisema chanzo hicho.

MTOTO ATEKETEA KWA MOTO MANZESE.

Mwili ukiondolewa eneo la tukio.
MTOTO Abdulrazak Noel (4) wa Manzese jijini Dar es Salaam, jana usiku aliteketea kwa moto baada ya mama yake kumfungia chumbani na kwenda kufanya biashara ya Mama Lishe. Mashuhuda walidai chanzo cha moto huo ni kulipuka kwa kibatari.


Mmoja wa mashuhuda akiangalia mwili wa marehemu.


Umati ukishuhudia tukio hilo.


Wananchi wakishirikiana na polisi kuuingiza mwili kwenye ‘Difenda’ kwa ajili ya kuhifadhiwa.

KWISHA HABARI YAKE HUYU...

Dogo watu walimwambia kuwa lager ni kwa wanaoziweza tu, ona sasa anavyomwaga radhi. Kuna mtu anasimu ya baba yake wa kambo ya hichi kiumbe? Yaani wazazi wakimuona huyu nakwambia ni pressure ya kwenda mbele. Amejitahidi kweli kupendeza kiasi fulani kwani "u"shoes nimeupenda. Hapa lakini kwa mtazamo wangu naona kama vile kachomeshwa mahindi kwani alikuwa kwenye simu kwa muda mrefu then akaingia ndani na kulala kwenye ma"coach" ya watu...No lucky so far! Pole mdau maisha magumu mwanawane.

Hakuna mtu mweusi Duniani na nimeamini.

Mdau huyu picha anakwenda kwa jina la Kaiza Rwechungura Rugaimukamu Tilwabaoile Mulokozi Rweikiza Mushumbuzi Edwin a.k.a MKAZI WANE, hapa anaonekana akiwa na vazi lake rasmi la minuso ya hapa na pale. Ana rozari lakini hata "Our Father" haijui....ha ha ha { WAKORA WAITU}

KIKAO CHA DHARURA~

Mheshima Mzee Mtulupulu Magezanzoto Mawa a.k.a Deville akiwa tayari kutoa hotuba yake kuhusiana na wingi wa nzi kwenye nyumba na Mzee Bashumika pale Ntungamo, Bukoba mjini...To be continued....

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT IN WICHITA, KANSAS.

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.

The Nurse

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with aruptured appendix.

The doctors operated and, after recovery, assured him that all went well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might require a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.....if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week."

Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

Mama Afungwa Miaka 30 Jela Kwa Kufanya Mapenzi na Mwanae.

Mwanamke wa nchini Marekani ambaye alifanya mapenzi na mwanae mwenye umri wa miaka 14 amehukumiwa kwenda jela miaka 30.
Aimee Sword, 36, atatumia miaka 30 jela kwa kufanya mapenzi na mtoto wake wa kiume wa kumzaa hotelini na nyumbani kwa rafiki yake katika jimbo la Michigan.

Sword alianza kufanya mapenzi na mwanae baada ya kuwasiliana naye kupitia Facebook mwezi mei mwaka 2008 wakati huo mwanae alikuwa na umri wa miaka 14.

Kabla ya hapo Sword hakuwa na mawasiliano na mwanae huyo ambaye alimtoa kwenye nyumba ya watoto yatima wakati mtoto wake huyo akiwa na umri wa miaka miwili.

Sword ambaye ni mama wa watoto sita, alikiri kosa moja la kufanya ngono na mtoto mwenye umri mdogo na aliwaomba msamaha watoto wake na dada yake.

"Najuta kwa yote yaliyotokea.... sielewi imekuwaje", Sword aliiambia mahakama.

Sword mbali ya kuhukumiwa kwenda jela miaka 30 amepigwa marufuku kuwasiliana na mtoto wake.

Mlevi Ampanda Mamba Mgongoni.

Mwanaume mmoja wa nchini Marekani, aliyekuwa amelewa chakari amelazwa hospitali baada ya kujeruhiwa na mamba alipoamua kumfanya mamba kama farasi kwa kumdandia mgongoni. Mwanaume huyo mwenye umri wa miaka 36 alifukuzwa baa baada ya kuonekana pombe zimemzidia ndipo alipoamua kwenda kwenye bustani ya wanyama ya mjini Wichita, Kansas nchini Marekani.

Mwanaume huyo aliipanda fensi na kuingia kwenye bustani hiyo kabla ya kujisogeza kwenye sehemu ambayo wametengewa mamba.

Katika tukio hilo lililotokea kwenye majira ya saa nne usiku, mwanaume huyo alimsogelea mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 2.8 na kujaribu kumnyeshwa bia kabla ya kuamua kurukia kwenye mgongo wa mamba huyo aliyepewa jina la El-Dorado.

"Alitoka kwenye eneo hilo na kwenda kwenye eneo jingine ambalo lilikuwa na mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 5", alisema msemaji wa polisi na kuongeza "Aliona ni wazo zuri kukaa juu ya mamba huyo aendeshwe kama farasi".

"Mamba alijipindua na kuung'ata mguu wake", alisema msemaji huyo wa polisi.

Alifanikiwa kuchoropoka akiwa amejeruhiwa vibaya sana, aliwahishwa hospitali kwa matibabu zaidi.

"Ana bahati sana kuwa hai hadi leo, mtu mwenye akili timamu hawezi kukaa juu ya mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 5", alisema afisa mwingine wa polisi.

Taarifa zinasema kuwa mmiliki wa bustani hiyo hana mpango wa kumfungulia mashtaka mwanaume huyo.

KAMA UNA MTU WAKO ANACHEZA FUTIBOLI , HALAHALA!!!!!

The Best One Yet!

Sasselfratz, hibidibut, yzidili, guvukafet…. Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just trying to think of new words to describe this ladybecause I can’t seem to find any that already exist.

Well, it is summer now, which means that we all get to witness more gems like this one.


Why do I have a feeling Jim Henson is behind her......working her arms?


Ummm, I think you might need something more than the pine tree air-freshener. It’s a start......not where I would have started.......but it’s a start.

C'mon now, on a scale of 1 to 10, where do you think his level of 'giving a f***' is? I am seriously jealous of this dude.

The only thing this guy is missing is a bedazzled jean jacket to match his purdy pink sparkly bedazzled belt.


Hey Hulk Hogan, guys with a full head of hair look stupid with a ponytail. Wanna take a guess how good it looks without half your hair?


Hookers love cupcakes. I have nothing else to add to that. Can’t argue with the facts.

I don’t really know why Magic School Bus Lady is always at Walmart, because I don’t think they have any of the clothes she wears, nor do I know where you can find any of the things she wears.

Why do I feel like at any minute now, a big arm-bar is going to swing out with a STOP sign on it?

Listen hunny, the “ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL” tag is lying to you, so I suggest we try things on before we buy.

Your first move should be checking that backpack for a pair of underwear. If there are none in there, well, you ARE at a store that sells underwear. Problem solved. I would move on to pants.......but...... I don’t want to get too far ahead.........and lose you.

OOOOWWW, she’s a BRICK (da-na-na-na) HOUSE.She’s MIGHTY- MIGHTY, just LETTIN’ it ALL hang-out.

Just 'cuz you have the 'all-natural' sleeves thing goin' on, doesn’t mean the rest of us are cool with you wearing your tank top.

I wonder if she can 'tie ‘em in a knot or tie ‘em in a bow'......because unfortunately, I already know they 'wobble to an fro’.

I cannot confirm if this is indeed THE Little Miss Muffet. Mainly because I have no idea what a tuffet looks like.


Oh, the humanity. How did we get to this point as a species???


How does one manage to make it look like they've tucked their ass into their pants like a shirt?


At what point does a person just say “F*ck it, I don’t need to put on shoes or pants”? Most people in the world would put pants on to walk into another room of the house, or if not that, then they would put some on if they're going to the street to get their mail. And you made it to Walmart.

I know what a muffin-top is, but I’ve never seen a muffin-back. I think there needs to be a better word for it, so, I'm open to suggestions.

I know what a muffin-top is, but I’ve never seen a muffin-back. I think there needs to be a better word for it, so, I'm open to suggestions.

OH COME ON! Are you actually going to stand there and tell me you don't even feel a breeze?

Hey! They don’t make 'tube-bottoms' for a reason.


Hey! They don’t make 'tube-bottoms' for a reason.

ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS: "Warm weather is now here as we start the summer, and so is

the unfortunate “Swamp Ass” epidemic. Be aware-- and try to stay dry.

The irony here is overwhelming. I’m just going to sit back and let you soak it in.

OH DAMN, Santa is WORKIN’ it.


HEY! HEY! ---HOLD STILL!!! There’s a f***in’ jellyfish on your head! HOLD STILL SO I CAN GET IT OFF!!!


Damn. Now THOSE are some titties.

Before he died, did Elvis get a poodle pregnant? I don’t know, I’m not here to judge....….Okay, I am........but still......

How the hell did the White Witch of Narnia come through the wardrobe?

Yes!!!!! Blue is definitely your color!

I was not aware that barbers were still using the salad bowl as a styling instrument.



I would like to officially nominate those pants for worst color option EVER! Are you serious with that? “Hey, let’s get skin-tight pants, make them in sizes where the words ’skin-tight’ should be off-limits, and then produce them in a flesh color.” What a great idea!


Ya really think ya gonna be needing those condoms there, big fella?