New Dewalt Nailgun

The new nail gun, made by Dewalt can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold drink. When she has the board in the right place just fire away.. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else.

This will keep your computer monitor clean.

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Joe’s Surgery

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's se e, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day Ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

That' a Texan!!

One thing about TEXANS is that their hearts are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS REPLY:

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,"

"Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet."

msnbc.com video: Fresno police under investigation

Feb. 11: Two police officers in Fresno , Calif. , are being investigated because of a beating incident that was caught on tape. NBC’s Chris Jansing reports.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/29137235#29137235

When OJ Dies...

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have

no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm

going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place... I'll even let YOU

decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first

room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and

surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with

nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I

could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was

swing that hammer, time after time after

Time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be

in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the

bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can

handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)

" OK, Monica, you're free to go