LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT IN WICHITA, KANSAS.

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.

The Nurse

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with aruptured appendix.

The doctors operated and, after recovery, assured him that all went well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might require a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.....if at all.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Corvette you pulled over last week."

Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?

Mama Afungwa Miaka 30 Jela Kwa Kufanya Mapenzi na Mwanae.

Mwanamke wa nchini Marekani ambaye alifanya mapenzi na mwanae mwenye umri wa miaka 14 amehukumiwa kwenda jela miaka 30.
Aimee Sword, 36, atatumia miaka 30 jela kwa kufanya mapenzi na mtoto wake wa kiume wa kumzaa hotelini na nyumbani kwa rafiki yake katika jimbo la Michigan.

Sword alianza kufanya mapenzi na mwanae baada ya kuwasiliana naye kupitia Facebook mwezi mei mwaka 2008 wakati huo mwanae alikuwa na umri wa miaka 14.

Kabla ya hapo Sword hakuwa na mawasiliano na mwanae huyo ambaye alimtoa kwenye nyumba ya watoto yatima wakati mtoto wake huyo akiwa na umri wa miaka miwili.

Sword ambaye ni mama wa watoto sita, alikiri kosa moja la kufanya ngono na mtoto mwenye umri mdogo na aliwaomba msamaha watoto wake na dada yake.

"Najuta kwa yote yaliyotokea.... sielewi imekuwaje", Sword aliiambia mahakama.

Sword mbali ya kuhukumiwa kwenda jela miaka 30 amepigwa marufuku kuwasiliana na mtoto wake.

Mlevi Ampanda Mamba Mgongoni.

Mwanaume mmoja wa nchini Marekani, aliyekuwa amelewa chakari amelazwa hospitali baada ya kujeruhiwa na mamba alipoamua kumfanya mamba kama farasi kwa kumdandia mgongoni. Mwanaume huyo mwenye umri wa miaka 36 alifukuzwa baa baada ya kuonekana pombe zimemzidia ndipo alipoamua kwenda kwenye bustani ya wanyama ya mjini Wichita, Kansas nchini Marekani.

Mwanaume huyo aliipanda fensi na kuingia kwenye bustani hiyo kabla ya kujisogeza kwenye sehemu ambayo wametengewa mamba.

Katika tukio hilo lililotokea kwenye majira ya saa nne usiku, mwanaume huyo alimsogelea mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 2.8 na kujaribu kumnyeshwa bia kabla ya kuamua kurukia kwenye mgongo wa mamba huyo aliyepewa jina la El-Dorado.

"Alitoka kwenye eneo hilo na kwenda kwenye eneo jingine ambalo lilikuwa na mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 5", alisema msemaji wa polisi na kuongeza "Aliona ni wazo zuri kukaa juu ya mamba huyo aendeshwe kama farasi".

"Mamba alijipindua na kuung'ata mguu wake", alisema msemaji huyo wa polisi.

Alifanikiwa kuchoropoka akiwa amejeruhiwa vibaya sana, aliwahishwa hospitali kwa matibabu zaidi.

"Ana bahati sana kuwa hai hadi leo, mtu mwenye akili timamu hawezi kukaa juu ya mamba mwenye urefu wa mita 5", alisema afisa mwingine wa polisi.

Taarifa zinasema kuwa mmiliki wa bustani hiyo hana mpango wa kumfungulia mashtaka mwanaume huyo.

KAMA UNA MTU WAKO ANACHEZA FUTIBOLI , HALAHALA!!!!!

The Best One Yet!

Sasselfratz, hibidibut, yzidili, guvukafet…. Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just trying to think of new words to describe this ladybecause I can’t seem to find any that already exist.

Well, it is summer now, which means that we all get to witness more gems like this one.


Why do I have a feeling Jim Henson is behind her......working her arms?


Ummm, I think you might need something more than the pine tree air-freshener. It’s a start......not where I would have started.......but it’s a start.

C'mon now, on a scale of 1 to 10, where do you think his level of 'giving a f***' is? I am seriously jealous of this dude.

The only thing this guy is missing is a bedazzled jean jacket to match his purdy pink sparkly bedazzled belt.


Hey Hulk Hogan, guys with a full head of hair look stupid with a ponytail. Wanna take a guess how good it looks without half your hair?


Hookers love cupcakes. I have nothing else to add to that. Can’t argue with the facts.

I don’t really know why Magic School Bus Lady is always at Walmart, because I don’t think they have any of the clothes she wears, nor do I know where you can find any of the things she wears.

Why do I feel like at any minute now, a big arm-bar is going to swing out with a STOP sign on it?

Listen hunny, the “ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL” tag is lying to you, so I suggest we try things on before we buy.

Your first move should be checking that backpack for a pair of underwear. If there are none in there, well, you ARE at a store that sells underwear. Problem solved. I would move on to pants.......but...... I don’t want to get too far ahead.........and lose you.

OOOOWWW, she’s a BRICK (da-na-na-na) HOUSE.She’s MIGHTY- MIGHTY, just LETTIN’ it ALL hang-out.

Just 'cuz you have the 'all-natural' sleeves thing goin' on, doesn’t mean the rest of us are cool with you wearing your tank top.

I wonder if she can 'tie ‘em in a knot or tie ‘em in a bow'......because unfortunately, I already know they 'wobble to an fro’.

I cannot confirm if this is indeed THE Little Miss Muffet. Mainly because I have no idea what a tuffet looks like.


Oh, the humanity. How did we get to this point as a species???


How does one manage to make it look like they've tucked their ass into their pants like a shirt?


At what point does a person just say “F*ck it, I don’t need to put on shoes or pants”? Most people in the world would put pants on to walk into another room of the house, or if not that, then they would put some on if they're going to the street to get their mail. And you made it to Walmart.

I know what a muffin-top is, but I’ve never seen a muffin-back. I think there needs to be a better word for it, so, I'm open to suggestions.

I know what a muffin-top is, but I’ve never seen a muffin-back. I think there needs to be a better word for it, so, I'm open to suggestions.

OH COME ON! Are you actually going to stand there and tell me you don't even feel a breeze?

Hey! They don’t make 'tube-bottoms' for a reason.


Hey! They don’t make 'tube-bottoms' for a reason.

ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS: "Warm weather is now here as we start the summer, and so is

the unfortunate “Swamp Ass” epidemic. Be aware-- and try to stay dry.

The irony here is overwhelming. I’m just going to sit back and let you soak it in.

OH DAMN, Santa is WORKIN’ it.


HEY! HEY! ---HOLD STILL!!! There’s a f***in’ jellyfish on your head! HOLD STILL SO I CAN GET IT OFF!!!


Damn. Now THOSE are some titties.

Before he died, did Elvis get a poodle pregnant? I don’t know, I’m not here to judge....….Okay, I am........but still......

How the hell did the White Witch of Narnia come through the wardrobe?

Yes!!!!! Blue is definitely your color!

I was not aware that barbers were still using the salad bowl as a styling instrument.



I would like to officially nominate those pants for worst color option EVER! Are you serious with that? “Hey, let’s get skin-tight pants, make them in sizes where the words ’skin-tight’ should be off-limits, and then produce them in a flesh color.” What a great idea!


Ya really think ya gonna be needing those condoms there, big fella?

WANAUME HAPA MPO?

Men know how little things have to attach importance to, but rarely moving from theory to practice. Meanwhile, these details are important to women.

Try to follow the following tips

1. Returning home, hug her, and only then do business.

2. Ask them how was your day, ask some specific questions.

3. Learn to listen and ask questions.

4. Do not throw in words to solve its problems.

5. Give her 20 minutes of full attention (do not read at the same newspaper).

6. Give flowers as the holidays, and on ordinary days.

7. Plan your joint actions in advance.

8. When she prepares dinner, and you see that she was very tired, offer to replace her stove.

9. Compliment.

10. Respect her feelings, especially if it is something sad.

11. Offer assistance in the home.

12. Do not force her to hurry (clearly plan their time, if you, for example, going somewhere).

13. If you are late, to warn her.

14. In response to a request, answer "yes" or "no", not starting a debate.

15. If you see that she was offended, do not explain to her that this is not your fault. Say: "Sorry, I do not mean to offend you."

16. If you need privacy, tell her about it.

17. If you were closed and cold with her, talk about what you care about it.

18. When she starts talking to you, put the newspaper you read, or turn away from the TV, if you see it.

19. If she usually washes the dishes, sometimes offer their services, especially if she is tired.

20. If you see that she was upset about something or tired, ask what its concerns.

21. When leaving the house, learn, do not you want to buy something, and do not forget to do the job.

22. Keep her informed of your plans unless you, for example, are going to go.

23. He embraces her at least three times a day.

24. Call her from work to ask how it works, or to simply say: "I love you."

25. At least once a day talking to her: "I love you."

26. Get organized in your bedroom.

27. Remove trash.

28. Being on a business trip, call and let the telephone number on which she could reach you.

29. Clear the room, if you want to spend time together.

30. Use cologne, which she likes.

31. If it is someone hurt, you must agree with its position.

32. Offer to give her a massage.

33. At least some kind to her without a hint of sexual harassment.

34. Be patient, listening to her stories.

35. Do not place your TV programs on the program, if it looks at it with you.

36. Do not hesitate to show affection for her people.

37. If you hold her hand, do not let his arm be weak and weak-willed.

38. Remember, what drinks she likes to then offer them to her.

39. Call a few places where you could go without imposing a decision on it.

40. Buy tickets to theaters, concerts or anywhere else, where she likes to visit.

41. Treat her with understanding to delay or to its decision to change the style of clothes.

42. In public, treats them more attention than others.

43. Let it be more important for you children.

44. Make her small gifts.

45. Give her something to wear.

46. Carry your wallet in her photograph and make sure that she knew about it.

47. If you are staying with her in a hotel, ask them to cook you a room with some surprise for her, for example, with a bottle of champagne or flowers.

48. Do not forget about the associated dates and anniversaries.

49. When you carry it in the car, drive a car carefully and slowly.

50. Observe how her mood, tell her about it. For example: "You look happy today" or: "You look tired. Is something wrong?"

51. If you have somewhere to go or are going, remember that she should not worry that you will not get lost.

52. Suggest to her dancing, but better if you do it alone.

53. Write her poems.

54. Behave the same way as in the beginning of your acquaintance.

55. Sharpen their own kitchen knives.

56. Change burned out bulb, not waiting until she would do it.

57. If you read the newspaper a long time, discuss with her some sort of story that would interest her.

58. Open the door for her and miss her forward.

59. Do not let her carry heavy loads.

60. Praise the meals that you cooked it.

61. Do not look away when it is you said something.

62. During the conversation touch her hand.

63. Wondered what she did during the day, what books are read, with whom I communicate.

64. Do not listen to her silence, let us know what you want.

65. Ask her how she feels.

66. Make her coffee when she is tired.

67. Go to bed at one time with her.

68. Kiss her before leaving.

69. Laugh at her jokes.

70. Thank her for everything she does for you.

71. Take some time to spend with her alone.

72. Walk with her to walk without the children.

73. Tell her that you missed her.

74. Buy her her favorite treat.

75. Ask her to add to the list.

The magic power of small things

Taking small signs of attention, the woman is aware of his beloved and begins to love herself. For men, these little things mean a lot, too - it feels strong and confident in her love.

So men! Do not forget the important little things!

Women! Do not skimp on expression of gratitude. Your smile and gratitude mean for a man very much.

On the other hand, a woman would do well to accept as fact that men are inclined to devote their energy to "major acts" and neglect the little things.

HAWA JAMAA KWAO MBWA MUHIMU KULIKO MTOTO!!!

BREAKING NEWS...

Kwa habari zilizotufikia kwenye meza yetu ya habari hivi punde ni kwamba, kijana hapo juu picha (Ngingalile Kyando) amefiwa na baba yake mzazi usiku wa kuamkia Jumapili. Tunawaomba washkaji na wapenzi wa Mungu wote wajiunge naye katika kipindi hichi kigumu.
Kwa maelezo zaidi please naomba uwasiliane naye kwa tarakimu hii {+1-316-518-3791}.
Au unaweza kudondoka na kuonana naye Ana kwa Aisha...sorry ni ana kwa ana katika address yake:-

1010 N Ridge Rd Apt 1113,
Wichita, KS 67212.

Tayari hapa!

Hapa mdau wangu Deo a.k.a Mchezi wa Yanga anaoneka akiwa busy na simu yake...ila kwa wadau kama sisi tunajua ni kazi ya Vodka na RedBull tayari imeingia kwenye akili. Mwanangu unakajijasho kanakutoka kwa mbali kidogo naona. Hii cheni ya shingo au kiuno? Nataka majibu yenu!

KARATASI...

Wabongo wana kiburi mwanawane....licheki lijimama lilivyojiachia hapa na ngano yake. Yaani kama si makaratasi Haki ya nani huyu anangekufa na "KILOLO". Mmmh tumekwisha...Please Obama tusaidie wenzio huku kwani tutakuja kukutana na magonjwa ya kukonda bure. Tehe tehe Mwe!

Wabongo mbovu kweli mwanawane!

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Mambo taratibu tutafika tu. Twanga Pepeta, FM Academia na Akudo kaeni mikao ya kufundishwa kwani Jemedali mkuu wa Miondoko ya "No Password" anakuja huko mwishoni mwa mwaka 2018. Kwa sasa yupo kwenye ziara ya muda mrefu huko Antarctica....I can't wait to see this dude...

Mr. Kovu a.k.a Ashley akiwa mkali kwa mnasa picha wetu jina tunalihifadhi, hapo majuzi kwenye bar ya Mchikichini pale karibia na Wembe Dovya, Kilosa katika mkoa wa Pwani. Kamkono kenyewe kanoro hivi halafu unataka kuwa mtemi...Yaani kuna watu wanapenda kufa Hai kabisaaa! Shati kama Carpet la bar....Mnzeshi weye mwana wa Ibisili!

Sasa huyu mdau mbona ananishangaza...hivi kweli unaweza kulala huku mkono wako ukiwa vile? Madawa ya kulevya kwa kwenda mbele hapa naona. Itabidi nimtafute kwani kwani na USCIS na wenyewe walikuwa wanamuulizia nadhani nikimpeleka Mpare huyu anayejiita Mhaya kwasababu alisomaga Uganda katika Shule za Watoto wa Mitaani, nadhani ninaweza kupata kajifungu ka noti.Mpare huyukwa sasa ameshajipa karatasi za " Wakora Waitu". Mwanawane acha mambo yako bwana embu rudi Same kwenu huko mkaanze kuwanga...Tandarubeta mrefu weye...