LFC 2-0 UNITED

Liverpool bounced back with a sensational display to sink Manchester United 2-0 in front of a jubilant Kop. Here's the best of our photos from a memorable day.

Barbie is getting older

How to save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton.

Failed parenting

Joke of the day

Two women were exercising together at the gym when one said to the other, "Oh no, I forgot to take my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected!" The other replied, "I wouldn't worry about it. I forgot to take my Prozac today. Everyone's walking around unprotected."

NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER, NEVER, EVER
let the groom order the wedding cake ...

Gaining trust is like filling a bucket....one drop at a time.

The Wedding - this is so touching, please read.

Very uplifting message.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are, something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Her name is Katie Kirkpatrick, 21 yrs old. Next to her is her fiancé, Nick, 23.
This picture was taken prior to their wedding January 11th, 2005. Katie has terminal cancer and spends hours in chemotherapy.
Here Nick awaits while she finishes one of the sessions...

Even in pain and dealing with her organs shutting down, with the help of morphine, Katie took care of every single part of the wedding planning.
Her dress had to be adjusted several times due to Katie's constant weight loss.

An expected guest was her oxygen tank. Katie had to use it during the ceremony and reception.
The other couple in this picture is Nick's parents, very emotional with the wedding and of course to see their son marrying the girl he fell in love when he was an adolescent.

Katie, in a wheel chair listening to her husband and friends singing to her.

Katie died 5 days after her wedding. To see a fragile woman dress as bride with a beautiful smile makes you think... happiness is always there within reach, no matter how long it lasts.....lets enjoy life and don't live a complicated life. Life is too short.

Work as if it was your first day.
Forgive as soon as possible.
Love without boundaries.
Laugh without control
and never stop smiling.



Please pray for those suffering from cancer.
We all have close to our heart.
Keep this going.
Prayers are always answered.

Dont let grandma make the pancakes

There ..... I Fixed It

This is just terrible!!!!!!!!!

A wife was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent
when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As
she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best shopping day ever. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the
last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling
guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be
the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. Show me what you bought! "

Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different...... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Michael Jacksons Ghost

Can 2 1/2 inches keep a woman happy???

How to satisfy a woman with 2 1/2 inches?

Tips for the future

1.- Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed
with you.

2.- Set timer for two minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3.- Set the mood with lighting. Turn off all the lights.

4.- Make sure that you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5.- Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6.- Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7.- Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete
what you started.

8.- Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9.- If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10.- Don't even think about trying it twice.

* A French scientist after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their hand on the
mouse. Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.....

ADULT CONTENT

What does a Muslim Pussy look like?

Happy Halloween!! You've been Mooned!!

One rule to this game....
You can NOT get someone who has already

gotten you!
Now...
go out there and get as many people as you can,
before they get you!
I got you first! and you can't get me back!
Nanee - Nanee - Nanee!!
(hehe)

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
Never Be The First To Get Old!!!!!

Joke of the day

Two women were exercising together at the gym when one said to the other, "Oh no, I forgot to take my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected!" The other replied, "I wouldn't worry about it. I forgot to take my Prozac today. Everyone's walking around unprotected."

Damn economy.

A touching story of Home depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked..
'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary,
you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Bud Light Ad (new one) Pomeranian

Bubba has a question??????????????????????

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?'

'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

'Sure is, Bubba.'

'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

'Yep.'

'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

'That's right,' said the lawyer.'

'But why are you asking?'

'Well, I was thinkin... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser
fer all them ugly women I slept with?'

MWANAFUNZI MZEE KULIKO WOTE DUNIANI AFARIKI

ALIYEKUWA mwanafunzi mzee kuliko wote duniani, Kimani Maruge amefariki Ijumaa wiki hii, katika hospitali ya Nairobi alipokuwa akipata matibabu ya kansa.

Maruge( 84), alifanya tukio la kihistoria pale alipoamua kujiunga na shule ya msingi Kapkenduiywo iliyopo Mashariki mwa Kenya, mwaka 2004 kufuatia kuanzishwa kwa utaratibu wa elimu bila malipo , ulianza rasmi mwaka 2003 chini ya chama cha Narc.

Katika enzi za uhai wake, Maruge alikuwa na malengo ya kuwa Daktari mwenye umri mkubwa. Mwaka 2008, alikuwa mmoja kati ya maelfu ya watu walioshindwa kurejea masomoni kutokana na vurugu za uchaguzi zilizotokea nchini humo,nyumba pamoja na mali zake ziliharibiwa vibaya na wapinzani.

Eneo la Langas Estate, ambapo ndipo alikuwa akiishi kuliathiriwa vibaya na vurugu hizo, iliripotiwa kuwa jumla ya watu 11 waliuawa nyumba ya pili kutoka kwake Disemba 30,2008. Maruge alifanikiwa kutoroka kutoka Eldoret hadi Nairobi kutokana na kutokuwepo na hali ya usalama huko nyumbani kwake.

Shirika la msalaba mwekundu nchini humo walimtafutia makazi katika nyumba ya wazee inayofahamika kama Chesire iliyopo jijini Nairobi. Muda mchache baada ya kuishi Nairobi aligunduliwa kuwa na kansa ya utumbo.

Maruge, ambaye ameweka rekodi katika kitabu cha Guinness ya kuwa mwanafunzi mwenye umri mkubwa zaidi kujiunga na elimu ya msingi.

Rekodi hiyo alichaguliwa kushika nafasi hiyo akiwa darasa la tano mwaka 2007, ambapo katika mtihani wake wa mwisho wa mwaka alishika nafasi ya 14 kati ya wanafunzi 58 waliofanya mtihani huo.

Akiwa shuleni hapo alisema taaluma aliyoipata imemsaidia sana kuongeza uelewa kwani hadi wakati huo aliweza kusoma vizuri biblia.Somo la Kiswahili ndio lilikuwa chaguo lake.

Jane Obinchu ambaye alikuwa ni mwalimu wake ni miongoni mwa watu waliotoa salamu za rambirambi kwa familia ya marehemu Maruge.

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

THE END

Riding Lawn Mower

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.