Just When You Thought You Were Having An Ugly Day!!!!

Mathematical Logic

Here is a little something someone sent me that is
indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me think.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,


A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND , look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While
Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude
will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that
will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL
TO SHOOT THEM'

Think before you speak...

Think before you speak...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls.'


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
Said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as
The door closed behind me,
Were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
In between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
And she was clean..
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him20if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
And I don't have any clean clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time,
'Danny, did you have an accident?'
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who,
The day after it was suppo sed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Parking lot fun.

sweet

AWESOME TREE IN SOUTHERN AFRICA !!

Looks normal from a distance.....well, kinda stubby!

But,...look at 'this' as you get closer!!!!!! More ---Scroll down....

Wow! Whatever you can imagine....some artist can carve.....

Here's some close-up pics....

It amazes me how someone can actually carve and sculpt like this and not kill (girdle) the tree!!!!!

A Mother's Love (Touching) lol

This is so beautiful..... A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Cabela's

Cabela's...

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you just tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

The "Bitch" Fairy WATCH WHAT YOU WISH FOR LOL

Now I know all of you have

heard of the Tooth Fairy,

and The Fairy God Mother,,

But have you's heard of the

BITCH FAIRY,,,

Check Her Out..
Do not fear...

the Bitch Fairy has arrived

to put a smile on your face!!!!Don't mess with women!

Only in Texas

Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas ..... Too bad......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

BLACK IS IN!

The most powerful politician in the world is Black.

The head of the Republican National Committee is black.

The best known media mogul on earth is Black.

The greatest golfer in the world is Black.

The top female tennis players in the world are Black.

The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.

The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.

The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.

The Super Bowl winning Head Coach is Black.

The most successful brain surgeon in the world is black.

The fastest human on the planet is Black.

... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

This is why they invented AAA

Bungee Jump (Watch the Water)

Not everyone should have a fishing show - Too Funny!

ugh a flat tire

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the

shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car, and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my

car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the

approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And, of

course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and

waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind

me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was

not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those

are my emergency flashers!

WHY DISPATCHERS & COPS DON'T ALWAYS HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE

Mtoto mmoja mdogo alikuwa akiongea na baba yake kuhusu suala la kuoa na mazungumzo kati ya wawili hao yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo:
Mtoto: Baba mimi nataka kuoa!
Baba: Mh! Unataka kumuoa nani?
Mtoto: Nataka kumuoa bibi
Baba: We mtoto, yaani unataka kumuoa mama yangu, haiwezekani na hata mila na desturi zetu haziruhusu
Mtoto: Kama haiwezekani mimi kumuoa mama yako mbona wewe umemuoa mama yangu?
Baba akabaki hana jibu...

ZE NO IS NOT RICHABO
Kuna jamaa mmoja hivi juzi aliwaacha watu hoi maeneo ya Posta jijini Dar baada ya kujaribu kupiga simu ya mkononi kumpigia swahiba wake lakini simu ya jamaa yake ilikuwa haipatikani ila simu ilipomjibu jamaa huyo kuwa "Namba ya simu uliyopiga kwa sasa haipatikani tafadhali jaribu tena baadaye". Ndipo jamaa alipoonekana akijibu simu hiyo kwa "We mpumbavu nini unanifanya mimi sina akili sio kama hii simu haipatikani mbona wewe umepokea sasa hebu mpe simu mwenye simu niongee nae bwege wewe.
Watu waliokuwa karibu na jamaa huyo walivunjika mbavu kwa ajili ya kucheka...[center]

Top 10 Dog Complaints

1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

This has been around before still funny.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Grandpa's Dilemma

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?', he was asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Ancient Japanese Proverb

NFL