WHY DISPATCHERS & COPS DON'T ALWAYS HAVE A LOT OF PATIENCE

Mtoto mmoja mdogo alikuwa akiongea na baba yake kuhusu suala la kuoa na mazungumzo kati ya wawili hao yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo:
Mtoto: Baba mimi nataka kuoa!
Baba: Mh! Unataka kumuoa nani?
Mtoto: Nataka kumuoa bibi
Baba: We mtoto, yaani unataka kumuoa mama yangu, haiwezekani na hata mila na desturi zetu haziruhusu
Mtoto: Kama haiwezekani mimi kumuoa mama yako mbona wewe umemuoa mama yangu?
Baba akabaki hana jibu...

ZE NO IS NOT RICHABO
Kuna jamaa mmoja hivi juzi aliwaacha watu hoi maeneo ya Posta jijini Dar baada ya kujaribu kupiga simu ya mkononi kumpigia swahiba wake lakini simu ya jamaa yake ilikuwa haipatikani ila simu ilipomjibu jamaa huyo kuwa "Namba ya simu uliyopiga kwa sasa haipatikani tafadhali jaribu tena baadaye". Ndipo jamaa alipoonekana akijibu simu hiyo kwa "We mpumbavu nini unanifanya mimi sina akili sio kama hii simu haipatikani mbona wewe umepokea sasa hebu mpe simu mwenye simu niongee nae bwege wewe.
Watu waliokuwa karibu na jamaa huyo walivunjika mbavu kwa ajili ya kucheka...[center]

Top 10 Dog Complaints

1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

This has been around before still funny.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Grandpa's Dilemma

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?', he was asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Ancient Japanese Proverb

NFL

"Survivor, Texas Style."

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and Amarillo . >From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?

Tired of being a wall Flower?

No snorting aloud, ladies!
Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines while others are
picked?
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of
attention..................

WICHITA MADNESS...COME ONE COME ALL...

HOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR'E SHOPPING IN TEXAS

8 words with two meanings

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV ch anne l to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 ch anne ls every 5 minutes.

AND
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Hershey Chocolate WARNING........

DO YOU EAT HERSHEY CHOCOLATE?

We were raised on HERSHEY as kids and even into adulthood. I will never eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you are given any. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat HERSHEY chocolate!

THIS IS A MEDICAL WARNING!!

It could happen to you, your family and friends!!

HERSHEY Chocolate can cause SMALL FEET !!

Warn everyone !!

ADULTS ONLY!!!!!!The Cost of Looking Good!!!!!!!!!

BETTER LOOK REAL CLOSE @ THIS PHOTO!!!!!
scroll all the way to the bottom
The Cost of Looking Good

Earrings $2

Make Up $60

Tattoo $150

Boob Job $6000

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless!!!