New Dewalt Nailgun

The new nail gun, made by Dewalt can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold drink. When she has the board in the right place just fire away.. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else.

This will keep your computer monitor clean.

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Joe’s Surgery

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's se e, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the
woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day Ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

That' a Texan!!

One thing about TEXANS is that their hearts are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS REPLY:

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,"

"Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet."

msnbc.com video: Fresno police under investigation

Feb. 11: Two police officers in Fresno , Calif. , are being investigated because of a beating incident that was caught on tape. NBC’s Chris Jansing reports.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/29137235#29137235

When OJ Dies...

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have

no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm

going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place... I'll even let YOU

decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first

room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and

surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with

nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I

could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was

swing that hammer, time after time after

Time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be

in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the

bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can

handle this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)

" OK, Monica, you're free to go

Handy Wallet Card

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

YOUR OWN HANDY GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND, CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER! DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE: WHAT'S FOR DINNER? CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER? WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER? HERE, HAVE SOME WINE. ARE YOU WEARING THAT? WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN! WOW! LOOK AT YOU! HERE, HAVE SOME WINE. WHAT ARE YOU SO WORKED UP ABOUT? COULD WE BE OVERREACTING? HERE'S MY PAYCHECK. HERE, HAVE SOME WINE. SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT? YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT. CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT? HERE, HAVE SOME WINE. WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY? I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY. I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE! HERE, HAVE SOME MORE WINE. 12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: 1. PASS MY SHOTGUN 2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING 3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE 4. PUFFY MID-SECTION 5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK 6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS 7. PARDON MY SOBBING 8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE 9. PASS MY SWEATS 10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME 11. PACK MY STUFF &&& MY FAVORITE ONE 12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!! ...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!! &&& REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!

Resimay

R esimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.






Employer's response:

Dear Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.

Check it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xv7REV2HEY

WHO IS STEALING YOUR KODAK MOMENTS?

WHO IS STEALING YOUR KODAK MOMENTS

15 Maybes and Early Valentine

1. Maybe. . We were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

2. Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

3. Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

4. Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

5. Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

6. Maybe. .. . You should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

7. Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

8. Maybe. .. . The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

9. Maybe. . You should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

10. Maybe. . You should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

11. Maybe. . Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

12. Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

13. Maybe . . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

14. Maybe. . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

15. Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Maybe .. . . you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them.

EARLY VALENTINE For God so loVed the world, That He GAve His on Ly BegottEn SoN That whosoever Believeth In Him Should Not perish, But have Everlasting life." John 3:16

WHY OLD PEOPLE BREAK THEIR HIPS

Women Parking Skills

true story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

Soon only Ernie was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy soldiers.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy soldier with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

Products and signs from around the world have slightly different meanings here in theUSA ....

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words..

Flight school

Cheap Way To Impress Women

One Spoiled Elephant

Good Advice

Look out for the Police

Water Break

Fighting Boredom

Smoking Bus

Entrance Only

Help

Redneck's Christmas Tree

Romance is not Dead

You Know You Are Living in 2009 when ...

SOOOO TRUE!! ENJOY!!

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13... Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.